The Worst Vacation Resort Award Goes To Orange County’s Central Jail

This is probably the worst vacation resort EVER!  I’ve heard nothing but good things about this place.  I’ve been told by a lot of people the resort totally blows Barbados, St Lucia, Bora Bora, Maldives, and Fiji out of the waters.  Pun intended.  Everyone says it’ll change your life and make you view things in a different light.  Yeah, only if the lights worked!

“The rooms all have a view” They say.
“The beaches are beautiful!” They say.
“Bullsh*t!”  I say.

OMG…. The whole check in process is extremely inefficient!  I don’t know any hotel that takes more than 10 minutes to check you in.  However, this wonderful establishment probably holds the Guinness World Record for the longest hotel check in in the world.  How long?  It takes about 20-24 hours!  Sit tight, Sweet cheeks.

The Holiday Inn’s check in is less than two minutes cause I always stay in room 112 cause that’s where the players dwell.  The rooms are like hostels.  Everyone shares a big dorm or you get a room with two bunks.  There are no options for a private bedroom and they don’t tell you upfront before you book it.  I should have read the fine print before booking my accommodations.  I don’t know any resort that treats their guests like how this place treats them.  You would think having a membership and gaining points from multiple stays would eventually get you an upgrade.  Nope.

The in-house restaurant is horrible!  Vegan options?  Nope.  Gluten free options?  Nope.  Organic?  Nope.  Kale?  Nope.  Chia?  Forget about it.  They don’t provide a menu and they only serve one dish each meal.  In addition, there’s always a f*cking line.  WTF?  They’re only open at certain hours of the day and the breakfast is horribly early.  If you decide to sleep in, forget about getting brunch.  Not happening, Sunshine.

The in-room entertainment system is archaic.  It’s older than Mother Theresa.  In addition, there’s no remote control.  Furthermore, it’s in a communal area, so everyone has to agree on watching the Bachelor.  If not, forget about finding out who gets a rose from Todd.  Night night, Sweetheart.  Bubba don’t bite… hard.

Lastly, I would not recommend staying this resort.  Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.  Would I come back?  Yes, but only to flip them off while driving by.